My name is Sherlock Holmes. It is my business to know what other people don’t know. Holmes and Watson are on a camping trip. In the middle of the night Holmes wakes up and gives Dr. Watson a nudge. ‘Watson’ he says, ‘look up in the sky and tell me what you see.’ ‘I see millions of stars, Holmes,’ says Watson. ‘And what do you conclude from that, Watson?’ Watson thinks for a moment. ‘Well,’ he says, ‘astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meterologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful, and we are small and insignificant. Uh, what does it tell you, Holmes?’ ‘Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!’ Elementary, my dear Watson. You will not apply my precept. How often have I said to you that when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth? We know that he did not come through the door, the window, or the chimney. We also know that he could not have been concealed in the room, as there is no concealment possible. When, then, did he come? Come, Watson, come! The game is afoot. Not a word! Into your clothes and come! Man, or at least criminal man, has lost all enterprise and originality. As to my own little practice, it seems to be degenerating into an agency for recovering lost lead pencils and giving advice to young ladies from boarding-schools. Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself; but talent instantly recognizes genius.
Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal! I swear by my pretty floral bonnet, I will end you. You know what the chain of command is? It’s the chain I go get and beat you with until you understand who’s in ruttin charge here. First rule of battle, little one … don’t ever let them know where you are… WHOO-HOO! I’M RIGHT HERE! I’M RIGHT HERE! YOU WANT SOME O’ ME?! YEAH YOU DO! COME ON! COME ON! AAAAAH! Whoo-hoo! … ‘Course, there’re other schools of thought. Yes sir, Captain Tightpants! Am I a lion? I don’t think of myself as a lion. You might as well, though, I have a mighty roar. Someone ever tries to kill you, you try to kill ’em right back! I cannot abide useless people.

Every man there go back inside or we will blow a new crater in this little moon. Am I a lion? I don’t think of myself as a lion. You might as well, though, I have a mighty roar. Someone ever tries to kill you, you try to kill ’em right back! Yes sir, Captain Tightpants! Let’s go be bad guys! First rule of battle, little one … don’t ever let them know where you are… WHOO-HOO! I’M RIGHT HERE! I’M RIGHT HERE! YOU WANT SOME O’ ME?! YEAH YOU DO! COME ON! COME ON! AAAAAH! Whoo-hoo! … ‘Course, there’re other schools of thought. If anyone gets nosy, just …you know … shoot ’em. Shoot ’em? Politely, of course. You’re welcome on my boat. God ain’t. Just get us on the ground! That part will happen pretty definitely! Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!

Elementary, my dear Watson. I am the most incurably lazy devil that ever stood in shoe leather Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself; but talent instantly recognizes genius. Man, or at least criminal man, has lost all enterprise and originality. As to my own little practice, it seems to be degenerating into an agency for recovering lost lead pencils and giving advice to young ladies from boarding-schools.

Here lies my beloved Zoe, my autumn flower … somewhat less attractive now that she’s all corpsified and gross. Next time you want to stab me in the back, have the guts to do it to my face.